Be careful what you pray for

I've noticed something about myself the past six months or so.

I cry a lot. It has mostly been when I'm at church or when I'm praying. I cry during worship, I cry when I hear someone's story or testimony, I cry when I'm praying, the list goes on.

It SUCKS. Big time. Particularly because one of the fruits of the Spirit is joy.

So why am I always crying? Sometimes I don't even know why I'm crying, the tears just come!

I totally understand conviction and all that, but does it always have to be convicting? Where's the joy?!

For a long time, it was frustrating.

What was I doing wrong? Why do others get to smile and laugh while I try not to ugly cry? Am I only being convicted without producing fruit? Joy and tears seemed like opposites to me! If the Holy Spirit is producing joy in my life, then why do I seem to be crying more than ever?

(note: yes, we can go down the rabbit hole of how joy isn't happiness, but let's just gloss over that for today and talk about it another time. I just wanted some happy joy while in God's presence!)

But today, I suddenly recalled a prayer that I'd been praying. Not just once, but over and over again.

"God, please break my heart for the things that break Yours."

I prayed it because I meant it. I wanted to have God's heart for His creation, His people, the poor, the lost, the hungry, the widows, the orphans, the suffering, etc. I wanted God to change my hard heart. But I don't think I stopped to consider what it would actually feel like if God answered it.

But I think I know now. I'm crying because my heart is breaking for the things that break His heart. I'm crying because I'm beginning to see people differently. I'm noticing (just a touch more) pain that I used to walk straight past. I'm empathizing with stories in a way I never did before. And all of a sudden, I think that perhaps tears aren't a strange response at all.

I heard someone say today:

Passion + compassion = action.

I can't remember where and how I heard it (a podcast, video or book?), but it lodged itself in my heart.

Compassion isn't just feeling sorry for someone. It's allowing someone else's pain to move me. It's letting it interrupt my comfort. It's refusing to stay detached. And that's exactly what Jesus did. Again and again throughout the Gospels, we're told that He was moved with compassion. He saw people. He cared deeply. He stopped. He healed. He acted.

Perhaps tears of compassion aren't the opposite of joy. Perhaps compassion is one of the ways joy learns to love.

I'm not entirely sure where this is leading, because I'm not 100% sure what my passion areas are yet. But I'm working on finding out (more on that in another post another time).

In the meantime, I have this sense that God is doing something, but I couldn't tell you exactly what it is yet. I don't know what He's preparing me for, or whether He's simply teaching me to love people more deeply than I have before. For now, I don't feel the need to figure it all out.

Instead, I keep thinking about Mary.

After everything she experienced surrounding the birth of Jesus, we're told that she treasured these things and pondered them in her heart (Luke 2). She didn't have all the answers. She didn't know how the story would unfold. But she recognised that God was at work, and that was enough to hold onto.

That's where I find myself today.

I don't fully understand what God's doing and what He's priming me for. For now, I know the tears are an answer to prayer. Once I have the passion piece, I'm sure the action will follow. For now, I'm going to hold this close to my heart and wait to see what God does next.