Do I love God enough?

I was in a training workshop discussing contemplative prayer.

We were being introduced to tools that would help us notice and become more receptive to God.

All this in an effort to deepen our relationship with God. To cultivate more intimacy.

I was busy writing down notes when I had a sudden insight hit me like lightning; one that made me incredibly sad.

When I first met my husband and decided that I liked him (it wasn’t even love yet at that point), I didn’t need to be taught how to deepen my relationship with him.

I didn’t attend a workshop on ‘how to get closer to the man you like’.

I didn’t have to be educated on the ‘tools that would help me notice and listen to him better’.

I just did it.

I liked the man. I really wanted his company. I craved him, desired him, so I made him happen.

What did I do?

I don’t remember. All I know is that I sought him out. Continually and persistently.

All that even before I knew that I love him.

I say I love Jesus. I truly believe I do.

But it’s also a fact that I have to educate and discipline myself to continually seek Him out. And I often fall off the bandwagon when life and its busyness get in the way.

Which brings me to the question the Holy Spirit asked me: do I not love God enough? Or do I not desire Him enough?

Or perhaps, do I desire other things/people (idols) more than I desire Him?

These are the ugly truths and difficult questions I’m having to sit with in this season.

Fortunately for me, there is a lot of grace, mercy and love.

And hope. For He says “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” (Jer 29:13).

My continual prayer is for Him to change my heart and grant me that desire.

It’s scary to share this.

But also really freeing.