Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks

Yesterday was big day. I had a meeting that I knew was going to require courage. Not the dramatic, confrontational kind, but the kind that requires wisdom, restraint, and the willingness to seek understanding instead of simply proving a point.

Before the meeting, I spent some time talking with the person who was coming with me. I know this person well. They care deeply about doing the right thing, but they also have a habit of being direct to the point of being combative/accusatory. Because the person we were meeting with has a similar communication style, I knew what would happen if their strong personalities were to butt heads.

So we came up with a strategy. Instead of making declarations like, "This needs to be done," we were going to ask questions. "I'm curious... how is this so-and-so going to be addressed?"

We agreed it was a good plan. We were going to seek to understand before stating our piece.

But then we walked into the meeting. Within minutes, my meeting partner did exactly what we had talked about avoiding. Not consciously, but out of habit. The dreaded "This needs to be done" made an entrance and instantly, there was a reaction.

The meeting eventually ended amicably, but it didn't go as well as I had hoped. Our discussion was littered with subtle little verbal barbs, disguised as jokes that everyone knew weren't really jokes. Nobody exploded, but nobody was entirely at peace either. I certainly wasn't.

Driving home, I wasn't frustrated with my meeting partner; I knew the person meant well.

I was reflecting on myself .... because I know for a fact that I've done exactly the same thing.

How many times have I decided beforehand that I would stay calm? How many times have I rehearsed kindness, only to find impatience slipping out before I even realised it? How many times have I promised myself I wouldn't say that thing .... and then heard the words leave my mouth anyway? I always regret it, but at the time the words just won't stop!

It made me think of James' words: "No human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison." (James 3:8)

At first, that sounds incredibly discouraging. But perhaps that's exactly the point. I used to think that controlling my speech is simply a matter of trying harder. If I prepare enough, think enough, or have enough discipline, I'll master it.

And while there are some things we say that can be controlled, my speech in general seems to expose something much deeper.

Luke 6:45 says:  A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.

Turns out the tongue is just a symptom of what's inside of me: my heart. My words reveal my fears, pride, impatience, my need to be right, my insecurities, love, or compassion. When I'm under pressure, those things have a way of surfacing before my carefully constructed scripts do.

The things I say (more like yell) when my children's behaviour strip away the last of my self-control reveals what I'm truly thinking/feeling .... and sometimes it's stuff that I'm not even fully aware of.

Maybe that's why my tongue is so difficult to control. Because I'm trying to manage the fruit without tending the root.

The meeting yesterday reminded me that although behavioural strategies and communication skills are valuable, they can only carry me so far. Eventually, whatever fills my heart will find its way to my lips.

So rather than just asking God to help me watch my tongue, I'm learning to pray for a transformed heart.

Because if what's inside is transformed, my tongue will follow suit.