When my body won't play ball

The kids went back to school today. Normally, I'd celebrate getting a quiet house back, catch up on work, tick off a long to-do list, and make the most of the uninterrupted hours.

Instead, I'm exhausted. School holidays usually take a lot out of me. Not because they're difficult, but because the kids have energy levels that I don't.

It's not that they're more active compared to other kids. It's just that my body won't play ball.

It's been years now, and I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that my energy levels are simply not what they used to be. I eat as well as I can. I exercise. I sleep enough. I look after myself. I do all the things I'm supposed to do. But I still get sick more easily than most people. I tire faster than I'd like. A busy week can leave me feeling like I've run a marathon.

Sometimes I wonder if this is what people with chronic illness feel like. Or long Covid. Not because I suffer from either, but because we're in similar positions with our bodies not cooperating with our will.

I don't know why my body is like this. Maybe it's the cancer treatment. Maybe it's the heart complications due to the flu. Maybe it's simply that my body was put through the wringer and will never quite be the same again.

Whatever the reason, I've had to learn to honour my body. It doesn't mean giving in. It doesn't mean making excuses or avoiding responsibility. It doesn't mean slacking or sitting around all day in a hammock doing nothing.

But it does mean listening when my body tells me "that's enough." It means choosing to rest when I feel the signs of weariness. It means doing enough; not too much or too little, but enough.

It means defining how much is enough, and being satisfied once enough has been done.

And for today, just writing this blog post - even if it may not be the best post ever - is enough.