There are so many words that I want to share; so many words that I can use to describe me and my journey thus far. As much as I'd like to indulge, perhaps it's best that I keep it as concise as possible while still making sure it's sufficient for you to relate to me and my background.

I grew up in an era when EQ (emotional intelligence/quotient) was not talked about. My parents gave me the best they had and in the best way they knew how according to the culture of the time.

So I grew up in an environment where I was taught to be seen rather than heard, to never challenge authority, to conform to the things that are 'for my own good'. My path in life was laid out for me: I was taught what to do, what to want, what to enjoy.

And like a good girl, I adhered to the rules and met all the expectations set for me.

It wasn't until I entered mid-life, had a few life-altering experiences, and started parenting my own children that I questioned a lot of these practices that shaped the person I am today.

In that process, I discovered that I had unconsciously suppressed and buried my true self my whole life.

I had no idea what I wanted. What I liked. What my passions were. What my purpose was. What success was to me. I had answers to those questions, but they were answers that were conditioned into me rather than answers that I truly possessed.

It scared me to realize that I didn't really know myself. That I was living a life that someone else wanted for me rather than my own. I decided that I needed to grow my own backbone, stand on my own two feet, and create a life that is of my own design.

That is how I came to start this journey of uncovering me. Though I started this journey looking for me, the person I found was Jesus of Nazareth.

It may sound contradictory, but the more I found Him, the more I found me. The more I got to know Him, the more I got to know myself and grow into the person I that I am.

I am on an exciting, never-ending journey of being and becoming more of myself and Christ in me.

This blog is a space that I created to document my travels. It's a sanctuary for me to heal. To tease apart the tangled thoughts in my head and emotions in my heart that are difficult to articulate to another human being. To be vulnerable and confess things that I am unable to say out lout to another person.

In the process of being vulnerable, I have been judged and criticized (often unkindly) in a manner that was not helpful or conducive to my growth. If anything, it caused me to retreat further into my shell and to put on a mask to prevent myself from being hurt again.

In addition to that, I have also realized that I am severely restricted in the things/specifics I am able to share because the insights that are helpful to me may be hurtful to some that I love (a good example: my mention of the lack of emotional parenting I had as a child would be hurtful to my parents).

Because I am, at present, aware of my inability to fully disconnect my mental and emotional health state from these consequences, I have decided to keep this page and blog fully anonymous.

I have been asked why I decided to share my thoughts publicly rather than to keep a private journal.

And the answer is because of solidarity.

My journey and process - to date - has been a lonely one. While I am certain that there are many more just like me with similar experiences, I have yet to find a voice or a community that is vulnerable and honest enough to share the impact of these experiences on their lives, much less the lessons they have reaped from these experiences.

A lonely journey is a difficult one.

That is why I decided to start this space: to be an honest, authentic and vulnerable voice in a loud world. To share the true thoughts and feelings that are present behind the scenes - the ones that are not usually shared. The hard, raw truth.

It is my hope that you will be able to see and hear yourself through the stories that I write.

That you will feel seen and heard through the experiences that I have.

Because let's face it, there's nothing new under the sun.

Despite their many differences, our circumstances, experiences, thoughts, and emotions are likely going to have a lot of similarities.

And I hope and pray that knowing that someone out there feels the same way you do, thinks the same thoughts you do, and has experienced the same thing you are experiencing; that this will en-courage you (read: fill you with courage) to BE TRUE to yourself despite your circumstances, knowing that God loves you just as you are.

I'd like to end this introduction by praying the same prayer the apostle Paul prayed for the Ephesians years ago:

Ephesians 3:17-21 (note: emphasis mine)

¹⁴For this reason I kneel before the Father, ¹⁵from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. ¹⁶I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

²⁰Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

May the love and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you.

With love and blessings,

Being